One of my fellow members of the most undesirable club to be in, posted something quite interesting today. She made the distinction between carrying on and moving on as grieving mothers. This really resonated with me. Her point was that we never move on from grieving our children. We carry on. We carry on raising our living children. We carry on as wives. We carry on as daughters, sisters, friends. Most of all we carry on, while carrying our children in our hearts. We carry on because our deceased children live on through us. Their legacies, messages and light live on through us. That can only happen if we carry on with our life.
I have said before that I still actively mother three children. It is not in the way I once expected it would be. My responsibilities to my living children include making lunches, showering them, driving them to camp and preparing them to start a new school year. These mothering tasks are responsibilities that all mothers can relate to. Mothering an angel is different. It’s not as demanding as mothering a living child and yet it is more demanding. If we don’t keep our child’s spirit and memory alive, he is really gone. Mothering an angel requires less responsibility, yet more. No longer do I need to worry about what time he will be home from school, but I need to make the time to honor him. No longer do I need to worry about if he is making the right choices, but I need to make sure my choices in honoring his life make him proud. Just like a mother never stops loving her child, she never stops mothering her child.
Grieving mothers carry on. We are warriors. Oxford Dictionaries defines warrior as “A brave or experienced soldier or fighter.” That’s us. There are so many other ways we would have liked to earn our warrior status. We will never move on. We will never move past our child, his life, our experiences together. It will never be an event that merely occurred in the past. Instead we become experienced at carrying on. We become experienced at being a fighter. Every day that is lived without my child is a fight. It will never be easy. This is not to say that happiness and joy does not exist. Both coincide in my world. Sometimes the intensity of grief, and the feeling of fighting is stronger. Sometimes the intensity of happiness and joy is stronger. One never wins out, one never trumps the other. They exist together. That is how I carry on. Love to heaven…
Very powerful thoughts and feelings. I can’t imagine being a witness to such a tragedy. I like the point your friend shared, “that we never move on from grieving our children. We carry on.” We lost a grandson 9 years ago to the war. Our daughter-in-law still struggles daily. It is a very difficult situation in our large family because she won’t even talk about Greg. Her two living grandsons are angry, because they felt two losses. Your post is beautiful!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Patricia. Thank you for your kind words. Wishing you peace on your healing journey.
Your posts are so heartfelt . The words resignate in my inner soul and I empathize with your grief . I have two very close friends who have lost children and your writings help me connect with them and know how I can be a better friend. Thank you for sharing. …. love to you ❤️
Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy that I am helping you connect with your friends. So many people ask me how to help friends or family members who have lost children. It means so much to me that my writing is helping. ❤️❤️
You carry on Christian’s memory so beautifully. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you, Anthony, Christian and your other two little ones. You are an amazing mother. Your posts help me connect with you and help me understand what it is day to day. Aside from you, my close friend lost 3/5 babies. This helps me connect with her and console her on those tough days that come.
Love to you all. Love to heaven.