A Letter of Despair To Share

Dear Loyal Readers,

For some reason letter form just feels right for this post. Since learning to trust myself has been a large piece of my personal work, I am going to act on it and trust myself.

I write to you today as a mother just shy of her son’s 7th angelversary and her father in law’s first angelversary. It has been some time since my emotions have had such intense physical effects on me. Certainly I am acquainted with my mind, body and spirit being intertwined, but normally I do not have as much trouble stabilizing my physical being.

This week has proven to be vastly different. Each day my physical being seems to be emitting a lower and lower vibration. My energy is so off that yesterday morning I awoke and did not get dressed until 2pm. This morning is a bit better. We had someone coming to the house at 9am, which forced me to shower! Albeit, it was after they came and went, but that’s just in the details. I am clean.

Twice today, panic descended on me and I was sure I was having a panic attack. Fortunately, I have never actually had one and did not have one today. The air felt like it was being sucked out of my lungs, my heartbeat was pounding in my ears and my legs felt weak. The scariest of those symptoms feeling devoid of air righted itself quickly and I was able to recover.

Nonetheless, it feels as though I am moving through a thick, sticky sludge when I walk. The pounding in my ears remains and the vibrations I am emitting make me not even want to be with myself. My brain repeatedly thinks about escaping my surroundings and then realizes it is not my surroundings, it is me!

There is no specific reason for my sadness, although any time I think of Christian or my father in law, tears spring to my eyes. Logically, that is the reason, but it is not openly manifesting as the cause of my depression. As I write this, my body feels as though it is swaying in space and my heart physically hurts.

My hope is that this letter finds you in a higher energy place, a more peaceful state of mind and closer to joy than I am right now. I know that feelings do not last forever, and that they will pass.

I write you in this state so that if you find yourself here, you may read this letter and experience confirmation that you are not the only person to feel this way.

With much love to you and Heaven,

Cara Martinisi

Published by christiansredballoon

My name is Cara Martinisi. I am mother to three boys and a wife to my high school sweetheart. Up until three and a half years ago, I lived a mainly charmed life. I married the first boy I fell in love with, had three easy pregnancies and three healthy boys. Family and friends were plentiful and amazing. There were bumps in the road, like with anyone else. For the most part, though, I had lived my life with everything falling neatly into place. This all changed after living 35 years in this manner. On July 3rd 2014, our house got struck by lightening. It was a scary experience, which resulted in a fire. Our entire family escaped the fire safely. Our home needed to be gutted and rebuilt, but we realized just how blessed we were to all be safe and sound. Fast forward exactly eight weeks later, to the end of the summer, August 28th. Our entire world was changed in a matter of minutes. We were living in a rental home, where a freak accident occurred. The supporting pole in the garage was not secure. It fell on my six year old son, Christian. My then three year old son and I witnessed the entire scene. This has irrevocably changed who I am as a person in every way. I am now a bereaved mother. It may be one of my titles, but not my identity. My family will never be the same. We are left to move on, while we are not whole. The trauma, shock and pain resonates daily, in one way or another. My mission, now, is to help others who have joined this undesirable club. My mission is to carry on my son’s message, which was kindness. My mission, now, is to make a new normal. I hope you get some inspiration from my posts, whether you are a bereaved parent or not. Grieving a child teaches you lessons that one can never learn in any other way. As always, love to heaven...

2 Comments

  1. Grief to Gratitude says:
    August 18, 2021 at 1:04 pm

    Hi Cara: I totally get it. I think for me, the build up to the angelversary, is worse than the actual day itself. I always wonder if I’m going to be able to get through it, or will I lie in bed all day in a dark bedroom. It’s a crap shoot. I hope you get to feeling more peaceful. I send you the Light I have on a really good day for me. My son has been gone for 5 years and 8 months. Feels like yesterday.

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  2. worrylessjourney says:
    August 22, 2021 at 6:00 pm

    The feelings brought on by your letter and so real to me. Grief never goes away. It lies dormant and rises at some odd time to awaken us to out sorrow. I pray that this episode passes and that you are at peace for now.

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