Each time I hear about a family who experiences child loss, my central nervous system is sent into a bit of a panic. It takes time, and the tools I have learned, to right myself again. It is like reliving those initial days of shock and pain all over again. Parents who outlive their child are given a torture sentence, in a sense. The torture softens over time, but never goes away.
I can remember the first time it snowed after we lost Christian. Panic immediately set in. It wasn’t logical, but neither is child loss. I panicked because he was going to be cold. Who would take care of him? Who would remind him to put a hat on? As a mother that was my job! I also panicked the first time I realized I would never care for him again when he had a fever. He needed me to soothe him and put cool wash clothes on his head! This sounds strange, I know, but coming to these realizations made losing him so real. It was more than I could handle.
Finding a way to take care of my angel, Christian, has become part of my healing journey. It is clear that I will never take care of him in the ways I once did. It will never be in the ways I imagined I would. He will never talk to me about sports, his friends or girls. I will never plan his graduation party, welcome his wife into the family or meet his child. Just as our future has been changed forever, so have the ways in which I take care of him. My care for him is now shaped by who he was here, on Earth. Christian had a message to deliver and a job to do while he was here. He delivered the most beautiful message; one of kindness. He was kind to all and truly did have the biggest heart. His light shone as soon as he entered a room.
My heart breaks for the things I will never do with my son again. Yet, through the cracks of my broken heart, I can feel his light shine. It guides me to what I can do for him. It is my job now, as his mom, to make sure his light still shines and never goes dim. His message will still be delivered by me, his mother. His kindness will live on in me, and my family. It will spread to those around us. My pain will never be gone. My heart will never be mended completely, but it will still beat on. It will still beat on with his light and love tucked inside forever. Love to heaven…