Angel of Light

Most of my blog posts revolve around the loss of my son, Christian. His death changed my life in an instant. Unfortunately shortly thereafter another person, who I held close to my heart, passed away. Two months to the day after we lost Christian our family suffered another great loss. Some of you remember it, some of you have heard me talk about it and some of you may just be learning about it. I don’t write about her often, but we lost my cousin Tonia on October 28th, 2014.

Her death was also a shock. She learned that she was sick only days before Christian passed away. This did not stop her from immediately rushing to our side when she heard the tragic news. Never once did she let on to me that she was in pain. In fact she went with me to the funeral home to make arrangements and discuss Christian’s headstone. Only now I know how terrifying that must have been for her knowing that she was very likely close to her own death.

Like Christian, Tonia was one of the most beautiful people I knew. She had the ability to light up the room with her smile. She always thought of others and her laugh is a sound I will never forget. She and I were ten years apart and I idolized her. When we were younger I would follow her and her friends around. It is easy to see why I was so drawn to her. She has beautiful energy, a glowing soul and is pure love.

On Christmas Eve 2013, our last Christmas with Christian and Tonia, I can remember thinking that we should really make an effort to get a family photo. This was the one holiday each year we were all together. We never got that photo. I thought, oh, we will get it next year. It haunts me each Christmas since.

During her final days Tonia promised me she would be with Christian and take care of him in heaven. She also told us that she and Christian would make themselves known during the holidays. They did. Our family needed that. Two losses in a matter of two months has forever changed my extended family.

Since losing Christian and Tonia they have both visited me in my dreams. They make their energy known to me. Tonia is always happy and radiating beauty whenever I see her in my dreams. I know this is her way to tell me they are okay and together. I miss her tremendously. There are many times I hear something funny and it feels as though she is with me, laughing right alongside me. It seems unfair that my aunt and uncle belong to the same club my husband and I do. It seems unfair that two people who brought such joy into others lives are no longer with us. We learn early on that life is not fair but these kind of losses are true depictions of the saying.

I am so grateful to have known and loved Tonia. She definitely shaped my life. Her legacy lives on. All who knew her loved her. She was a true example of just what the world needs more of; kindness, love, warmth, smiles, laughter and light. Love to heaven…

7 thoughts on “Angel of Light

  1. think when we grieve it’s for our loss and from watching the people around us suffer. Not for the ones that have moved on. Why did this happen to ME?
    I’m convinced.These things happen for a reason. Maybe to protect the ones we lost from some future tragedy? Maybe to teach the ones left behind some lesson? Christian taught me how precious life is and Tonia taught me how to face death with dignity.
    We don’t have the capacity to understand death. It’s like trying to understand infinity. We know what the word infinity means but do not understand how it can exist. What I do know is that my God is not cruel. God has plans.
    So, this is how I deal with it. There is only so much energy in the universe. The energy that is Christian and the energy that is Tonia and the energy of all the others I have missed in my life still exists somewhere . Maybe that energy is what visits me from time to time? Anyway it’s good to know that some day we will be in that place, together again, where Christian and Tonia are now.
    Finally, I’m sureTonia or Christian would not want us to live in pain missing them. Tonia told me that herself. I still miss them, but I try not to grieve for them. Not grieving for them is my tribute to there life. Not grieving is a work in progress. It always hard, but I will never stop trying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is beautiful. I agree on so many points. They
      are not suffering in heaven. It is us missing them.
      I love the lessons they taught us. We continue to
      learn from them as we navigate our life here.
      It’s hard as you say, but I do think that you are both
      doing a great job of paying tribute to Tonia and
      Christian. We will never be happy that this is the
      way things are but we must find our ways to honor
      them.

      Like

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