Its not even 9am yet and here I sit in pure silence. With the exception of the dishwasher whirring, not a sound is being made. There is no music, no television and best of all no potty words being slung around. It’s a beautiful thing! I have been awake for three hours now. In that time frame I have broken up arguments over a robotic Batman toy, served breakfast, looked over homework, signed slips, enforced chores being completed, folded laundry, listened to my five year old whine about how he cannot put on his pants (must run in the family!) and saw both boys off to school. I am officially exhausted already! This peace and quiet is pure bliss right now.
For the past ten years my home has been filled with the sounds of children. Being a mother of all boys, this incudes a ton of sounds that are not always pleasant. Many times after the unpleasant sounds are heard, laughter may also be heard. There have been some crazy things that have come out of my mouth as a mother. The usual; “Get down from there”, “Stop climbing” and “Don’t jump off of there”! The less usual, “You cannot rock climb from our chandelier”!, “Don’t take ANYTHING out of the toilet EVER”, and “He pooped where”? I was shell shocked when I first started to raise my boys. I came from a family of two girls and my mother never had to address these sorts of things! Now, I love it. I don’t always love the sorts of situations they get into, but I love being a mom to all boys!
We did not find out what we were having with Christian or our second child, Anthony. By the time I was pregnant with Nicky, number 3, I had to find out. At the time I still really wanted a girl. Even though I loved my boys more than anything, all I could think of was what I would be missing out on if I never had a girl. The irony is not lost on me. I am aware that I am missing out on way more now. It’s something I try not to pour my energy into. Christian’s friends and classmates will be graduating from elementary school this year and heading into middle school this fall. It does not seem possible that I have a child who would have been this age. Yet, it is the truth. Some say this makes the events that the other two boys celebrate that much sweeter. I have to disagree. I was always one to cherish special moments. I would stop when I saw my three boys playing nicely and thank God for them.
Losing Christian has taught me a lot. I am still immensely grateful for my beautiful family, my angel included. In addition to that, I am more aware that life can change in the blink of an eye. What has not changed is that I am still human. I get mad at my kids, frustrated about things that are teeny tiny compared to what I have been through and still say things that I regret sometimes. It does mean that I am much more aware of whatever is going on in the present, good or bad, is not guaranteed to last. Our lives can change in ways we never imagined, positively or negatively, in a second. All we truly have is the moment we are living in right now. I know this sounds cliché but after seeing what I have seen, there is no other way to put it! Live in the moment, its all you have right now. Love to heaven…
The photo at the top is of my two older sons truly living in the moment.